I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
