I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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