Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
