Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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