in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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