I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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