I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize