You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
