Taylor Swift is so right about you.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
