I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
