My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
