dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
