No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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