OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
