dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You left your phone here
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