the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize