she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
She's the barista slut.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize