Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
