Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
