If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Sorry my hands just texted you
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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