Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize