You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
