I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
