I think my fart just growled at me.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
