I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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