nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
