just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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