you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
