Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
