I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
