You smell like a Billy Joel song
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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