oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
