My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
