I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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