Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
