I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
