and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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