I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
