Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
