I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
