just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
