He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
