What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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