Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
