I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
