she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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