what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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