mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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