Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
