I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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