So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
