Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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