IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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