I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
