He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
