was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
