I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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