Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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