I feel great
I just peed on a car
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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