I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
