The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
